I had the weight of the world on me (or in me) yesterday after a few days of WAY too much food and even after a dose of Andrews Liver Salts, I was not one with the universe so I did something radical- I went to confession. Yes I know it was a bit drastic but desperate times call for desperate measures.
Drink, Arse, Feck, Girls
The priest asked asked me "¿Cuánto tiempo desde su última confesión mi hijo"(How long since your last confession my son?)" I thought to myself -"He thinks I'm his son? - Jaezuz, come to think of it, there is a bit of a resemblance mind you!"
- I said in English - "It's been 27 years since me last confession Dad ....I mean ...father"
He replied - "No Habla Ingles! - pero vos habla Castellano- no?" (I don't speak English - but you speak Spanish - no?)
I thought for a minute as to how this could work to my advantage and replied - "Jaezuz - I don't speak a word of that ol' gibberish, but I need to spill, so listen up Pops - I've 27 years of desperate, awful, deprave sins to confess so lets get down to business pronto!"
45 minutes later, after offloading all the terrible deeds of the past, I walked out of the confessional a lighter, better, purer, happier soul. It was like doing the laundry, taking a shower, shave, shite and getting a facial with the blackheads squeezed out, all at the same time (not that I've ever had a facial cos that's just for girdles!)
To top the lot, I didn't get even one prayer to say as penance - In fact I got the equivalent of a life long 'Get out of Jail/Church' card free. I'm officially banned from confession, communion, and all the Holy sacraments. - May the Lord have mercy on all your souls - yiz feckin' sinners and I'm auctioning off my 'Get of of church' card on eBay so let the bids begin!
Drink, Arse, Feck, Girls
- I said in English - "It's been 27 years since me last confession Dad ....I mean ...father"
He replied - "No Habla Ingles! - pero vos habla Castellano- no?" (I don't speak English - but you speak Spanish - no?)
I thought for a minute as to how this could work to my advantage and replied - "Jaezuz - I don't speak a word of that ol' gibberish, but I need to spill, so listen up Pops - I've 27 years of desperate, awful, deprave sins to confess so lets get down to business pronto!"
45 minutes later, after offloading all the terrible deeds of the past, I walked out of the confessional a lighter, better, purer, happier soul. It was like doing the laundry, taking a shower, shave, shite and getting a facial with the blackheads squeezed out, all at the same time (not that I've ever had a facial cos that's just for girdles!)
To top the lot, I didn't get even one prayer to say as penance - In fact I got the equivalent of a life long 'Get out of Jail/Church' card free. I'm officially banned from confession, communion, and all the Holy sacraments. - May the Lord have mercy on all your souls - yiz feckin' sinners and I'm auctioning off my 'Get of of church' card on eBay so let the bids begin!
Tags: Sinner, Irish, Andrews Liver Salts, Ireland, Buenos Aires Expat,I'm a Sinner!,Father Ted,Fr Ted,Father Jack Hackett,
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Go on admit it. You DID have a facial. Go on, go on, go on ...
ReplyDeleteAs long as you are a picker, a grinner, a lover...
ReplyDeleteI can't even recall the last time I went to Confession. Now you got me thinkin' about my transgressions!
I never quite took to confession. I used to take my sister along with me because the dark box was too scary. When she refused to accompany me I stopped going :-)
ReplyDeleteSounds like a rather good way of cleansing my soul, maybe I should try it. On the other hand, I'm not too bothered about my 61 years of sin and debauchery, you can't live life to the full without flushing the rulebook down the toilet occasionally.
ReplyDeleteYou are joking right? I'm an Anglican by heritage but raised two catholics, (perfect way to turn them into athiests) but I never quite understood the 'I can sin all week as long as I tell some old priest about it on Sunday' thing. Purge my soul to a complete stranger . .shit no . .I've got a blog to do that!
ReplyDeletethe weight of the world on me (or in me) wrong in so many ways
ReplyDeleteouch...must be19 years since mine I reckon.
ReplyDeleteI'll just bring along the laptop and show them my blog.
Forgive THAT padre...
I confessed once and when finished the stranger told me to get away from him because he was trying to take a shit. I must have taken a wrong turn.
ReplyDeleteOnly 45 minutes? You're life can't have been too depraved. The last five years would take me 45 days to confess. They would need a team of priests.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you purify your soul. Good to know you feel better. I was also raised Catholic, but never quite got confession myself.
ReplyDelete@ Primal: I'll try anything once
ReplyDelete@ Megan: Just tell yer blog instead
@ Conrtje: It's all her fault so - tell St Peter at the pearly gates
@ Nick: Rebel with a cause!
@ Baino: It's true the blog has replaced confession and can and will be used against us in evidence!
@ Roy: just about sums me up really
@ Xbox: Just email them a link
@ Broke bsd: for that I think you need to say 30 Hail Mary's
@ Stevo: You must be bad to the bone
@ L o N: It's a bit of an enigma alright
Hi QR.
ReplyDeleteI love the photo accompanying the post. It's a great show.
I have been to many churches, more than I would have cared to, but never thought of confessing and instead of took loads of pics. Some churches are so pretty. As to confession, confessing is admitting to stuff undesirable by God isn't it? I, like Conor, live in self-denial and denial of any other kind, so I would NEVER EVER admit to it, even if I had committed any sins! Of course I haven't so no confessions for me thanks. :D
G
Ah, confession. Can't say I've done it for years, but then why not cut out the middle man and just say "Ah Jaysus, I shouldna done dat!" anyway?
ReplyDeleteBless me father for I have sinned, I was at your ma's house.
ReplyDelete@ Gaye: Sinless - I'm jealous! - It's funny quite a few peeps have made the comparison of blogging with confession - I think I'll just stick to bloging from now on
ReplyDelete@ Thrifty: Yeah it was a once off in a moment of weakness
@ Maxi: 2 x 'Glory be to the Mothers' for you my son