Saturday, 26 September 2009

Stinky, Filthy, Smelly, Nasty, Sweaty, Irish, Paddy




I'm not a person who suffers the cold much. On long haul flights or bus journeys where people are begging for blankets, I'm usually quite comfortable in just tee shirt and shorts. Much to the amusement of others, I've skied without gloves numerous times (substituting socks on occasion) and worn minimal layers in snow blizzards. In short, I am a somewhat naturally hot blooded animal.

That's all well and good in colder climes but when the heat is cranked up a notch or six, unfortunately being a walking toaster oven is some what of a hindrance. Basically, I sweat like a motherfucker. We are talking sweaty flash floods here, the dangerous kind that lead to emergency services being called out to rescue granny from a roof top by helicopter.

I typically get a severe case of S.A.S. (sweaty ass syndrome) which can lead to some embarassing interactions e.g.

1.) I was on the bus in my business attire(shorts and tee-shirt) just a few days ago and as a bunch old Chinese women boarded, I selflessly and valiantly gave up my seat so the old blue rinse crew could sit down. As one of them appreciatively nodded and smiled, I felt a warm fuzzy feeling inside at having done something nice. This wouldn't last long however, as the eighty year+ granny just pointed at the seat and invited all around to observe the sweaty arse imprint I had just left behind.

To my horror people were leaning over looking at the sweat tracks I had made and then looking at me with disgust. If the ground could have swallowed me up there and then I would have gladly jumped, ass first. Granny then reached into her handbag and opened a packet of tissues to mop up my unintentional moist deposits I had left. I exited the bus 6 stops before my destination and had to walk 30 minutes, but I had a escaped a possible lynching - close call.

But wait there's more....

2.) Yesterday, I went for the first visit to the dentist in Hong Kong. Some of you will remember my absolute dread of dentists from this post (Bad Teeth). Again, I dressed in tee-shirt and shorts so as to be as comfortable ( i.e. not hot) as possible.

It was a well air conditioned clinic and all I was having done was a check up with X-Ray and a cleaning. I have sensitive teeth and any sound of dental equipment, even a brush makes me squirm. I had a thorough cleaning (40 minutes worth) and as I eventually got off the chair I was horrified to see yet again an extended arse to ankle body imprint of sweat on the leather.

There's not much you can say to salvage a situation like this so I just alluded to my fear of dentists and then listened to the post analysis of my X-Rays as the poor dental nurse took a roll of kitchen wipes or two to clean up the mess I had left. I can still hear the cleaning motion - 'wash on - wash off' x 100

I've heard old people wear diapers when they eventually lose control of there toilet 'manners' so I'm thinking of patenting 'Sweat Diapers' for the poor sods with an affliction of Extra S.A.S ('Sweaty Ass Syndrome') such as mine.

Tell me I'm not alone here?....pretty please! - throw me a bone or some talc.

p.s. I think I found the 'cure' click Here


Tags: ..Stinky Filthy Smelly Nasty Sweaty Paddy..


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24 comments:

TCL September 26, 2009 11:04 am  

Ah bugger them! They belch in public in that part of the world.

Jack September 26, 2009 12:26 pm  

hehe.. i have the same exact problem. and, because of that, i've always avoided the southern climes and july & august just about anywhere. after my first year in phoenix, az i realized it's not the heat that i hate, it's the sweating. when you live in the desert, there's so little humidity that i rarely ever sweat. its great! 95 degrees feels down right chilly sometimes. so get your ass out of hk and move to the gobi!

Maxi Cane September 26, 2009 5:36 pm  

You know I have the patent on Sweaty Ass Syndrome, don't you?

Maya Gonzales Berry September 26, 2009 5:43 pm  

I have been following your blog for a couple of weeks and just wanted stop in and say hi, and thanks for the chuckles.
I had a similar S.A.S. problem when I stopped off at the local cafe for a cuppa joe after my morning run. I was horrified by the puddle that I found on my seat when I returned to the table from picking up my coffee.
Fortunately I only sweat when I exercise, I am the other extreme, and am bundled up in the middle of summer. So I think I'll just skip any post run coffees.

Baino September 26, 2009 8:42 pm  

Perfectly normal in humid climates! The news isn't good and one reason why I have never bought a leather lounge, same thing, the backs of bare legs do sweat! You could: apply a roll on deodorant rather than a spray, use talc, avoid hot spicy foods, alcohol and cigarettes which increase body heat and adrenaline which causes sweating. Carry a towel and use it to sit on (now there's a thought). Then again, in Oz, that's prolly why we have fabric seats in buses, makes you wonder what's been absorbed into the fabric tho!!

Bodybuilders (who I guess sweat a lot) recommend Mitchum!

Megan September 26, 2009 10:52 pm  

Can't say I suffer from that one!

Man, that image of the ladies on the bus is killing me. I can picture the whole thing!

Quickroute September 27, 2009 2:55 am  

@ TCL: It's true they are not exactly hygiene role models

@ Jack: Glad to know I'm not alone

@ Maxi: I will sue your sweaty ass

@ Maya: Welcome - I wish I could steal some of your natural cold

@ Baino: I bet there's enough nasty bacteria on the chairs on the Tangara train to make a WMD

@ Megan: You are lucky my dear - I wouldn't wish S.A.S on anyone

nick September 27, 2009 5:49 am  

You're certainly not alone, heavy sweating is a common syndrome. I also sweat a lot and find hot climates a real problem. I don't get sweaty ass syndrome but my face can get so sweaty it's almost impossible to shave. And Jenny is always recoiling from my sweaty hands!

Quickroute September 27, 2009 11:17 pm  

@ Nick: It's funny - my missus is the exact opposite to me and wears layers and layers while I'm boiling - I guess opposites really do attract

nick September 28, 2009 3:56 am  

Quicky - Jenny too. Right now I'm still nice and toasty while she's putting on all her fleeces and complaining it's chilly. Human bodies are just plain weird.

Anonymous,  September 28, 2009 4:59 am  

You need to perfect "the slide from side-to-side". Instead of springing-up from your seat, you should first slide from side-to-side. Just think of yourself as a mop. It´s called "slight of ass" in the industry. With practise, no one will notice. It´s more difficult in a dentists chair, which requires "the fake and snake". For this you need to find an opportune moment, near the end of your procedure, to say to the dentist "oooh, that really tickles" and while fake giggling, proceed to slither down the dentists chair like a snake, mopping up your juices as you go. Hope this helps....chap!!

Steph September 28, 2009 7:29 am  

Just carry a towel around with you, a small hand towel will do, and politely pipe up your bodily fluids as you excrete them.

I'm full of helpful hints so I am.

Quickroute September 29, 2009 12:54 am  

@ Nick: It's bizarre alright. Even stranger is that the locals are wearing long sleeves and long pants in this climate

@ Anony (Ken): LOL - you need to start you own blog gooother

@ Steph: So simple yet clever - why didn't I think of that? think I'll need an extra absorbent towel or maybe maxi-pads!

VE September 29, 2009 12:56 pm  

Bwahaha...you crack me up. Between you and Jeff, I don't know who's more willing to write embarassing facts about themselves. I think you should wear a giant sponge bob outfit to allow you to absorb that! ;)

conortje September 30, 2009 4:40 am  

I hear you! I just have to think of the word WARM and the rivers start flowing off me!

Quickroute September 30, 2009 11:13 pm  

@ VE: I like the Sponge Bob idea - I'll need to wring myself out often

@ Conortje: I have a similar problem with the word 'coffee' - it sends me running to the toilet

Stevo October 05, 2009 5:50 pm  

Paddy: I think we should form a support group. I'm a fellow sufferer of SAS. It's the wet shorts and trousers that bother me most. I wear dark colors to hide it.

There is a remedy in the form of a prescription "paint" that is suppose to work wonders. I may ask the Dr. when I'm in HK in two weeks.

Quickroute October 06, 2009 4:12 am  

@ Kiran: Thx

@ Stevo: i'm thinking of having my Butt sweat glands removed

Quickroute October 06, 2009 8:30 pm  

I think I found the 'cure' click Here

Anonymous,  January 02, 2010 4:15 pm  

This phrase is simply matchless :), it is pleasant to me)))

Anonymous,  January 04, 2010 2:14 pm  

Yes, the answer almost same, as well as at me.

Primal Sneeze January 08, 2010 2:38 am  

Manuel from WellDoneFillet calls it Chef's Bum.

And he has found a cure.

Quickroute January 08, 2010 3:06 am  

@ Primal: their site was down when I clicked the link - there must be a sale on !

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