F**K You for the Voodoo that You Do - Boo Hoo!

I seriously think I've been Hexed. It all started yesterday. I was supposed to go hiking with a friend, on a as yet unconquered picturesque trail and when I checked the weather the night before it was supposed to be clear and sunny.

I awoke to heavy rain beating against the window. The forecast had changed drastically to cloudy and showers (the weather changes in an instant in these parts). I was bummed, but we had to postpone the hike for another day. Everything went arse over tits downhill from then on.

So as not to write-off the day completely, I decided I had but 2 simple tasks to complete for the day.

My simple mission, should I choose to accept it would be:

1. Buy maps of the hiking trails in Hong Kong so I wouldn't be getting lost AGAIN!

2. Buy a new wireless router so 'herself' won't be hogging my laptop

Estimated completion time: 90 minutes
Time of departure: 11:30am

Mission accepted!

I 'memorised' the address of the map shop and nearby there was a computer mall where I could buy a router.

I hopped on a bus to the centre, where it should have been a 10 minute walk to the map shop.

Construction everywhere so I detour thru a local sidewalk food court. Oh Oh! - dead end or walk thru the kitchen where people are brandishing meat cleavers...hmmm.. me thinks not - U-Turn back the way I came - Sigh!

20 minutes later, I arrived at my intended destination, '25 Shanghai St' only to find it's not a map store but a butchers with ...you guessed it..people brandishing meat cleavers. Well this is all going to plan - NOT! (I later discover I should have been looking for '250 Shanghai St' - PILLOCK!

I try to Google the address on my iPhone but can't find it and eventually decide I'll just try a book store. I end up in another construction zone dead end - U-Turn back the way I came - Sigh! - GOBSHITE!

The book store doesn't have the maps I want so wasted trip - Feck! I eventually find the website and it says most post offices sell the maps, so I walk another 20 minutes and get to the counter only to be told they don't sell them anymore, BUT he tells me I can buy them at the map store at 250 Shanghai Street - ARGH! - TOSSER!!!!!

I decide to buy the wireless router on the way which in the end takes an hour and then hop a bus back to '250 Shanghai Street' to buy the maps - but miss my stop and end up 10 minutes the wrong side of where I want to be. - MUPPET!

I FINALLY get to the store and order the maps which were pricier than I thought and I don't have enough cash and they don't take credit cards so I have to leave, find an ATM and return and EVENTUALLY purchase the maps. - HALLELUJAH!!!

Actual task completion time: 5 hours
Time of completion: 16:30pm

I then did what any self respecting Irishman would do in this situation. It was time to try to flush the demons out with Holy Stout. So I met a friend in Delaney's Irish Pub for several doses of vitamin 'G' to rid myself of the devils curse.

Vitamin'G'

It seemed to work. I had no more mishaps, had a good time and got home safely, BUT.....

....Today I spent 6 hours configuring the blasted new frikkin' wireless router. I then remembered it's exactly one year to the day since this similar wireless router incident happened (click here) - How f***ed up is that?! Cure for a hex anyone?

Tags: ..Voodoo..

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Hiking Stage 4 and 5 of the Maclehose Trail

I love hiking. I get the equivalent to 'joggers high' when I'm out on my rambles. It's difficult to explain just how happy it makes me. It must surely be bad for you, as it has the same effect on me as drugs or alcohol. It's addictive and if I don't get my regular hiking fix, I have severe withdrawal symptoms including bouts of crankiness and flatulence.

I am not, however, the most organised or prepared hiker. I don't have maps or books or a compass to guide me, as I prefer to just stumble on places and explore. If I go astray as I often do, I depend on my trusty iPhone which has Google Maps and if need be GPS to bring me back on track.
This can lead to some problems as it did on Friday when it took me nearly 3 hours just to arrive at and find the start of ANY hiking trail in Sai Kung. I did Google some info which turned out to be completely wrong and had me going in circles but finally I arrived at a trail.
The majority of my hiking to date has been confined to Hong Kong Island but more recently I've started to explore Kowloon and the New Territories.
Most of the hiking trails are broken into stages e.g. I found and eventually started 'Stage 4 of the Maclehose Trail' which had a notice board with a map of the route and a description as follows:

"Starting Point: Kei Ling Ha
Finishing Point: Tate's Cairn
Length: 12.7 kilometres
Time: 5.0 hours
Difficulty: Very Difficult"


Being the disorganised git that I am, I hadn't had breakfast and had no provisions other than 1.5 Litres of water (which was a fortunate last minute afterthought). It was a beautiful sunny day, but very hot and humid.

About an hour into the hike I realised it was THE most spectacularly scenic hike I'd done since I arrived in Hong Kong. My iPhone video and photos below don't do it justice but it is gob smackingly beautiful. It's unusual to have access to a hiking paradise like this so close to such a densely populated congested city.
My 'Hikers High' kept me going despite my empty stomach but it was a pretty strenuous hike. I was out of water well before I approached the end of the hike and my high spirits were now somewhat deflated and I was dehydrated, but all I had to do now was find public transport to get me back home...or so I thought!

A little bit more research would have told me that in fact, there is no public transport at the end of 'Stage 4'. Actually it's completely isolated and remote and I would now need to complete 'Stage 5' just to get anywhere near civilisation.

"Wooop-deee-FUCKING Doooo!" I muttered to myself as I read the following trail description.

"Starting Point: Tate's Cairn
Finishing Point: Tai Po Road
Length: 10.6 kilometres
Time: 3.0 hours
Difficulty: Fairy Difficult"

Completely exhausted, dehydrated, hungry as HELL, I had to dig deep just to get to the end of this stage of the trail. I was not a happy camper. I eventually ended up at a little kiosk where I think I might have been a contender for the Guinness Book of World Records for finishing a can of Sprite in 0.25 seconds. I then had to contend with rush hour commuters on my way back home - It's amazing how much space you get on the subway when you've worked up a good 8 hours of foul body odour. I didn't get a seat however so no sweaty arse imprint this time!

In retrospect, not researching the route or eating before hand or bringing enough water was pretty dumb-ass but it still ranks as the BEST hike I've done in Hong Kong by far. No pain, No gain! - Enjoy the pics & vid.

Tags: ..Stage 4 and Stage 5 of the Maclehose Trail Hong Kong..

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Stinky, Filthy, Smelly, Nasty, Sweaty, Irish, Paddy

I'm not a person who suffers the cold much. On long haul flights or bus journeys where people are begging for blankets, I'm usually quite comfortable in just tee shirt and shorts. Much to the amusement of others, I've skied without gloves numerous times (substituting socks on occasion) and worn minimal layers in snow blizzards. In short, I am a somewhat naturally hot blooded animal.

That's all well and good in colder climes but when the heat is cranked up a notch or six, unfortunately being a walking toaster oven is some what of a hindrance. Basically, I sweat like a motherfucker. We are talking sweaty flash floods here, the dangerous kind that lead to emergency services being called out to rescue granny from a roof top by helicopter.

I typically get a severe case of S.A.S. (sweaty ass syndrome) which can lead to some embarassing interactions e.g.

1.) I was on the bus in my business attire(shorts and tee-shirt) just a few days ago and as a bunch old Chinese women boarded, I selflessly and valiantly gave up my seat so the old blue rinse crew could sit down. As one of them appreciatively nodded and smiled, I felt a warm fuzzy feeling inside at having done something nice. This wouldn't last long however, as the eighty year+ granny just pointed at the seat and invited all around to observe the sweaty arse imprint I had just left behind.

To my horror people were leaning over looking at the sweat tracks I had made and then looking at me with disgust. If the ground could have swallowed me up there and then I would have gladly jumped, ass first. Granny then reached into her handbag and opened a packet of tissues to mop up my unintentional moist deposits I had left. I exited the bus 6 stops before my destination and had to walk 30 minutes, but I had a escaped a possible lynching - close call.

But wait there's more....

2.) Yesterday, I went for the first visit to the dentist in Hong Kong. Some of you will remember my absolute dread of dentists from this post (Bad Teeth). Again, I dressed in tee-shirt and shorts so as to be as comfortable ( i.e. not hot) as possible.

It was a well air conditioned clinic and all I was having done was a check up with X-Ray and a cleaning. I have sensitive teeth and any sound of dental equipment, even a brush makes me squirm. I had a thorough cleaning (40 minutes worth) and as I eventually got off the chair I was horrified to see yet again an extended arse to ankle body imprint of sweat on the leather.

There's not much you can say to salvage a situation like this so I just alluded to my fear of dentists and then listened to the post analysis of my X-Rays as the poor dental nurse took a roll of kitchen wipes or two to clean up the mess I had left. I can still hear the cleaning motion - 'wash on - wash off' x 100

I've heard old people wear diapers when they eventually lose control of there toilet 'manners' so I'm thinking of patenting 'Sweat Diapers' for the poor sods with an affliction of Extra S.A.S ('Sweaty Ass Syndrome') such as mine.

Tell me I'm not alone here?....pretty please! - throw me a bone or some talc.

p.s. I think I found the 'cure' click Here

Tags: ..Stinky Filthy Smelly Nasty Sweaty Paddy..

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Typhoon Season, Hong Kong

As I mentioned in a previous post I recently returned from Beijing to Hong Kong only to find we were arriving by plane in the middle of a typhoon which made the landing a wee bit rocky a.k.a good job I was wearing brown underwear that day, cos if it wasn't that colour to begin with, it sure was pretty close to brown afterward.

Now there's turbulence and then there's turbulence and then there's turbo turbulence (okay - so I just made that shit up) but this was like sitting in a giant cocktail shaker and being shaken AND stirred - I almost had a license to puke!

I managed to contain most of my bodily fluids on that trip which is more than I can say of my fellow passengers who filled vomit bag after vomit bag with diced carrot stew - Strange didn't see that on the in-flight menu?

Here's a taste of what went down from a storm trooper on the ground!

Tags: .Typhoon Season, Hong Kong..

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The Great Wall of China

Digressing from the previous 'Dick on a Stick' post I must return to more travel related content. I finally got to visit the Great Wall of China last week, which has been near the top of my "have to go" list for a long time. Sometimes you can have very high expectations for a place that you've yearned to visit and unfortunately these places don't always live up to your expectations but I'm happy to report the 'Great Wall' didn't disappoint.


The wall follows the bumpy contour of the rugged land and winds and stretches as far as you can see, off into the horizon and beyond. I hadn't realised just how steep some of the sections are and you literally need to hang on to a metal railing to heave yourself up some of the inclines. Likewise, you could find yourself slipping on your arse on the declines if you're not careful.


Although we only spent about an hour on the wall, we were all feeling aches and pains for the rest of the day as we must've been using muscles that rarely get used. Of course it could just be we're getting old and the zimmer frames will be a short hop, skip and a fall away.

More pics below

Tags: ..The Great Wall of China..

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Do You Like PENIS?

Snack Street, Beijing

I was asked the rather unusual question above on a visit to Beijing, China a few days ago. I was on a part business, part pleasure trip. More on the trip in a later post. A bunch of us visited the 'Snack Street' market on Sunday where they serve all sorts of weird food stuff on a stick like in the photos below.

Crickets on a stick -yummy!

Scorpions on a stick

Star Fish on a stick

Live scorpions on a stick

Grubs on a stick

More scorpions on a stick

Other tasty stuff on a stick

These eastern delicacies which were all impaled on a thin wooden stick included live scorpions which had been skewered and somehow managed to keep wriggling. They were dipped in hot oil for a minute before being served with a spicy sauce - yum...ouch!

More tasty stuff on a stick

Other treats included crickets, grubs (fat caterpillar type blobs), centipedes, sea snakes, beetles, silk worms, star fish and .....wait for it........sheep penis! - yes you heard right!

SHEEP PENIS

Always on the lookout for a good photo, I reached into my pants and pulled mine out (my camera that is!) and tried to focus on the woolly ones curly members on a stick (see above).

As I was snapping my picture, the stall vendor went into serious hard sell tactics and shouted and pointed directly at me - "YOU LIKE PENIS?"

I tried to ignore him and get a better picture but the more I ignored him, the more he pointed and the louder he shouted - "YOU WANT TRY PENIS?" - HEY MISTER - YOU LIKE PENIS?"

Needless to say the bunch of lads I was traveling with and everyone within a 20 meter radius found this hysterical so I retreated hastily with my tail/penis between my legs.

I never got to try penis and I probably never will - Not that there's anything wrong with trying penis!

Snack Street, Beijing, China

Tags: .. Snack Street Beijing China, Snack Street..

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Symphony of Lights, Hong Kong

I was writing a guest post on a blog about free things to see and do in Hong Kong and I realised I had never showed you, my loyal fans (all 3 of you) the spectacle known as 'The Symphony of Lights'. It's touted to be the "World's Largest Permanent Light and Sound Show" by the Guinness Book of Records.

It's basically a massive musical laser light show from the tallest buildings in Hong Kong. It takes place every night at 8pm and it's FREE which is always a bonus, especially in these dark times of recession. The basic laser show is impressive in itself but on special occasions they add fireworks to the mix which ups the 'WOW' factor by at least ten times. Check the YouTube video below.

How to get there: MTR East Tsim Sha Tsui Station Exit J, and follow the signs to the Avenue of Stars and Tsim Sha Tsui Waterfront.

Tags: ..Symphony of Lights Hong Kong laser show ..

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Monkey Business

After the previous somewhat serious post, I thought I'd lighten things up a little. I like to write and express and talk shite about, well shite mostly. As I was revisiting the pics of our recent Asia trip I realized there was so much I didn't say, capture, express or share (for lack of time - not that I'm not full of shite) so I'd like to start making up for that a little i.e. 'share and care' by way of short posts of photos if that's ok with you? - huh? - I can't hear you?

Without further ado or bullshite - here are some photos from a monkey sanctuary in Ubud, Bali, Indonesia. Check the YouTube video I uploaded at the end - these monkeys are well looked after by both the locals and tourists and often fare better than some of the poor towns folk.

Although they are photogenic, I couldn't help thinking they are just rats with more 'cute' appeal. There but for the grace of God go the rest of mankind! - OK - Perhaps I've seen 'Planet of the Apes' one too many times! You be the judge.

Tags: ..monkeys Ubud, sanctuary, Bali..

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Macau, China

We paid u$d100 for a flight from Bangkok to Macau with just 16 hours notice - damn cheap!
Interestingly enough, Macau was both the first and last European colony in China. It was the Portuguese who first settled in Macau back in the 16th century and subsequently administered it until the handover in 1999. It has a similar status to Hong Kong since it has a certain degree of autonomy for 50 years after the handover. What happens after the 50 years is anyones guess but China will probably rule the world by then and we'll all be part of the communist party except that former rogue superpower, the USA which will be a socialist old people killer dictatorship!

Old Town Macau

There still is a certain Portugese feel to the place with Portuguese road signs and cuisine. Apparently it's one of the richest cities in the world with a thriving textile, electronics and tourist industry. The other big draw for the tourists is gambling with a long strip of casinos where reportedly more money changes hands than in Las Vegas (The Chinese LOVE to gamble).

The Strip, Macau

If you've been to Vegas you might be a little disappointed here however as although it has bright lights and casinos galore, it lacks the buzz and excitement of the real McCoy. A lot of mainland Chinese come here to buy 'real' goods since the fakes are so prevalent back in China. We saw people buying suitcases full of baby powder milk. I assume they don't trust the powdered milk in China and who could blame them after the poisoned batch killed so many poor kids.


We got to check out the latest Cirque du Soleil show 'Zaia' while we were there which was ok but I have to say I'm getting a bit bored with the repetition in those shows (contortionist, clown, acrobat...zzzzZZZZZZ!)

Zaia

Well my friends, that is the end of the South East Asia trip so were back to reality in Hong Kong now. Hope you enjoyed traveling vicariously thru us and I'll try and post a highlights / recap just to bore you senseless shortly.

Click map to enlarge

Tags: .Macau, China..

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Bangkok, Thailand

When I first visited Bangkok back in 1994, it was a sprawling, congested, polluted city where tuk tuks seemed to outnumber people as they spewed fumes across pot holed streets. Today the pollution and infrastructure is much improved and shiny new taxis now outnumber the tuk tuks but a general sense of traffic chaos persists.

For such a large city, it's bizarre that much of the budget tourist accommodation is condensed around 4 small square blocks centred around Khaosan Road. With the diverse mix of nationalities walking the streets here, one could easily forget you were in Asia as at first glance, it's more of an Amsterdam cosmopolitan feel.

Most of the cheapest flights into and out of South East Asia start / stop here so it's backpacker central with a mix of pasty white people (many Irish) who obviously have never left home before and seasoned travelers eager to escape onto less crowded pastures. It's a party town and as you eat breakfast at 8am there are plenty of folks only getting home after a hard night of 'entertainment' and looking worse for wear.

Check bottom left of photo below!

It's a shoppers paradise with massive street markets and shopping malls (like the huge MBK mall) selling a mixture of high end legitimate wares and fake brands at bargain prices. Pirated and fake goods include clothes, electronics, software and documents (see below)

Fake id's made to order

The other big draw here, as with many other parts of Thailand is SEX. The famous nightlife district of Patpong has everything from titty bars to ping pong shows where talented ladies project missiles such as ping pong balls, darts and bananas from certain orifices as crowds of onlookers cheer. Beware the scams in this district too as many people have reported being ripped off with extortionate drink bills of up to u$d500 where the bouncers descend like vultures to make sure you pay up. The local police are paid off so forget about getting 'justice'.

The ladies of the night at Patpong

There are redeeming qualities to the city however, as a plethora of temples and palaces and museums more than make up for tacky, seedy side of the city. Like it or loathe it, I can honestly say there is nowhere else quite like Bangkok. More Photos below.

The trip so far - Click to enlarge

Tags: .Bangkok, Thailand, Khaosan Road, Khao San Road Rd, MBK shopping mall center centre, ..

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Myanmar (Burma), Talichek, Keng Tung

The immigration process to enter Talichek, Myanmar aka Burma from Mae Sai, Thailand is easily the most bizarre I've ever encountered but sort of expected given the secretive nature of this military junta. Many areas are off limits for foreigners and specific roads are closed with checkpoints only allowing approved locals to travel.

After paying the u$d10 visa fee you have to specify how far you are going and then you surrender your passport to immigration and get issued a temporary travel document with photo (looks like a Myanmar passport) which gets stamped as you pass numerous checkpoints. You retrieve your passport as you exit the country thru the same border crossing.

Myanmar temporary passport id

After crossing the border and changing our watches back half an hour to Myanmar time, we presented our temporary travel documents to the bus ticket agent who then had to send them by moto back to immigration to log exactly where we were going. From this point on we never handled our documents since they were handed on to the next host recipient be it the bus driver, tuk tuk driver or guest house owner etc who was obligated to register our details with 'big brother'.

Myanmar, Burma

The bus from Talichek to Keng Tung took 5 hours but the scenery was fantastic with luscious green rice fields set into the mountains of jungle. They don't get too many tourists around here so when we arrived we were quite a novelty for the locals and got received with a mixture of curiosity and friendliness. Kids and adults will just stare and when you say hello they smile or just look away shyly.

Poverty is a serious problem here and you can see the life struggle some of these people have had just looking in their eyes but they are still very friendly. It's hard to believe this was once one of the wealthiest countries in SE Asia when the British colonized it. Even more disturbing is the continuing house arrest for Aung San Suu Kyi who faces fresh charges after an American activist recently entered her house apparently uninvited.

Keng Tung, Myanmar / Burma

The only foreigners we met were a French couple who had traveled from Mandalay and some missionary workers who were setting up a church and although we only spent one night, it will likely be the most memorable part of the whole trip. It's not often you get to visit such a beautiful place and you are virtually the only tourist.

After a hot and muggy night with a power cut at Harry's Guest House and where the generator was shut off at midnight we explored the morning market where several hill tribes come to pedal there wares before we set off in a shared taxi with some locals back to the border.

At the border our driver surrendered our temporary travel documents to immigration and we retrieved our own passports before crossing back into Thailand. Being back in touristville was a mixture of relief and sadness. More photos below.

Click on map to enlarge

Tags: ..Myanmar, Burma, Kengtung.

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Chiang Mai, Mae Sai, Thailand

After bus burnout we flew 1 hour from Luang Prabang in Laos to Chiang Mai, Thailand. We arrived on a Sunday which is the biggest market day and her indoors was overwhelmed with the choice of bargains while I escaped the shopping mayhem in an internet cafe with a large beer. It's a bit too touristy here for my liking but it's not too hard to escape the minibus tours if you try.

We rented a scooter and visited the nearby attractions including an elephant sanctuary where the talented trunked ones have been trained to paint. Yes you heard right, they actually paint, play football and various other impressive tasks.

Elephant Painter!

There's also a somewhat touristy tribal village where the infamous 'long neck' women live. They never take off the metal bindings around their neck from a young age. Over time the neck elongates and if they were to take off the bindings they risk breaking the spine as the neck muscles would not be able to support weight of the head unassisted. It's all a bit bizarre as you roam around the village and you can't help thinking that at this point it's no longer about preserving the culture but more about fleecing tourists in a kind of carnival freak show.

Long Neck Women

Seven hours north of Chiang Mai is the most northerly town in Thailand called Mae Sai where we had to spend the night as we waited for the border to open and get our visas for Myanmar (Burma). Our original plan was just to hop across the border into Talichek, Myanmar for the day but after chatting with a French woman who had just spent a week in Burma we decided to head to a small town called Kengtung. It was a decision we would not regret as it is a world removed from tourists but more on that next post. More photos of Chiang Mai in the slideshow below.

Click on map to enlarge

Tags: ..Chiang Mai, Mae Sai, Thailand..

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Laos - Vientiane - Luang Prabang

I've been on my fair share of long bus rides (like this one - here) but these two back to back rides are right up there with the All Stars.

A minibus picked us up at our hotel in Hanoi at 5pm and dropped us at the bus station for our " 20 hour VIP sleeping bus" to Vientiane which eventually left 3.5 hours later. It was comfortable enough until it stopped 15 minutes later and another 10 locals were squeezed in sitting on the aisle. It's fairly common in these parts for the driver to make some extra cash by carrying passengers off the books, under the table or in this case on the floor.

We were lucky there was a toilet on the bus but to get to it you had to summon the conductor to unlock it and then tip toe around the bodies stretched out on the floor before you reached the piss puddle - yes that's right there was a good 2 inches of urine on the floor and the bus had a no shoe policy - just lovely!

We arrived at the border at 6am and waited an hour for it to open before crossing into Laos. At 5pm (24 hours after we set out) we finally arrived in Vientiane where we jumped in a pickup truck which would bring us to the centre via an ATM as nobody had local currency (Kips). After 3 ATMs refused to give money finally the fourth seemed to cooperate but then the unthinkable happened. The frikkin' machine swallowed my card and no cash came out - SHITE!!!!!!

Vientiane, Laos

I changed the last of my u$d which just enough for a room and a meal for the night. It would take another 24 hours and 3 trips (1 hour round trip) to the banks head office before I would retrieve my card and get refunded for a phantom withdrawal.

With no rest for the wicked we jumped on another 10 hour overnight bus north to Luang Prabang. Once again the locals sang the vomit national anthem all the way. I feel bad for them as I presume they are more prone to motion sickness but when we hit a bump and the over spill from a bucket landed on my ankle my tolerance level was being tested severely. A few unfortunate people who left their bags on the floor got a new coat of puke paint as the rivers of bile meandered along the floor of the bus.

Luang Prabang, Laos

Luang Prabang itself is a beautiful spot and we recovered from the puke extravaganza eventually but decided with conviction, we would fly to our next destination.

Click on map to enlarge

Tags: ..Laos - Vientiane - Luang Prabang..

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